Getting ridiculous: Yet another HOT Russian Spy

I almost did not report this story on my blog. I pride myself on the intellectual high ground my blog maintains. Whether it’s deep intellectual conversations about the role of government, religion and the meaning of liberty or road kill cozies and cake vs. pie, I have standards. Like all men, however, my intellectual standards inexplicably evaporate like water in the Mojave when confronted with something like this.

On July 15, 2010 one Anna Fermova, 24, was busted for attempting to smuggle night vision equipment out of the country. The English teacher who was born in Latvia and raised in Plano, Texas, was intending to bring approximately $15,000 worth of equipment back to Mother Russia. The feds immediately set about taking her mug shots with amazing efficiency.

According to Mrs. Fermova she and her husband were planning on selling the $7,000 Raptor 4X night vision sight to big game hunters. Quote: "I am a US citizen, I grew up in America, I am not a spy — that is just funny…I am freaking out right now." She now awaits transfer from Texas to New York in order to attend her hearing.

Of course, with any member of the intelligence community, particularly as it relates to those masters of espionage, the Russians, there is always the danger of a breakout or rescue. It is important that we stay vigilant. Acknowledging this threat I consider it my civic duty to make absolutely certain you can recognize her on the street. Please distribute the following pictures to every male citizen you can find.

Heward’s Handy Haversack: World’s Best Beer, spies, and geese

Once again it’s time for a few random news pieces that are absolutely essential to your survival but that I did not feel rated their own article space for reasons of artistic judgement and…because I was lazy. Just remember: Laziness promotes efficiency.

Item #1: The Best Beer EVER.

What do you get when you combine Scotsmen, roadkill, and alcohol? One of two things: Very disturbing police reports, or this:

That’s right. That is, in fact, a squirrel beer cozy. 55% ABV, this tasty treat can be yours for the low, low price of $765. Frankly, I think it would be worth every penny simply to buy this beer and drink it on the doorstep of PETA. Exit question: If it takes a squirrel to cover a beer, what’s the next step? Deer kegs?

Item #2: Good spies don’t die. They don’t even fade away. They just keep posting on Facebook.

A couple weeks ago America got totally bamboozled by Russia when they fooled us into trading away Anna Chapman, possibly the hottest spy the Russians every successfully fielded against the US. Despite being detained in Moscow reportedly being debriefed, Anna has found time in her busy schedule to constantly update her facebook page. The Russian tabloids have dubbed her agent 90-60-90, and American newspapers refer to her simply as the hot one.

So what’s the story here? There really isn’t one. I just wanted an excuse to post more pictures.



Item #3: Times are tough, even for the Imperial #2 man.

Darth Vader was sighted robbing a bank on Thursday in Long Island. He entered the Chase Bank at approximately 11:30 AM. Made known nationwide with the documentary series dubbed “Star Wars”, Vader has apparently fallen on hard times. Forced to pawn his lightsaber in order to feed his growing alcohol habit and too inebriated to use the force, despite the complete lack of faith on the part of those around him, Vader was compelled to use a barbaric and primitive handgun to pull off the heist.



Item #4: The Final Goose Solution

The City of New York has proclaimed genocidal jihad against that rat of the sky, the Canadian Goose. Currently numbering somewhere around 250,000, a multi agency report was released outlining the “Final Solution” to bring the population down to approximately 85,000. 400 geese were rounded up and gassed last month, leaving only a modest 249,600 to go! From the plan:

“The captured geese are placed alive in commercial turkey crates. The geese would be brought to a secure location and euthanized with methods approved by the American Veterinary Medical Association. Euthanized geese would be buried.”

The plan itself is tastefully bound in a light green hardwood binder, and the benign nature of the contents can be clearly determined by the title: “How to serve geese”. See picture below for an example of the planned burial arrangements. RIP, Mr. Goose.

Federal Judge Bolton to DOJ: STFU.

The beginnings of the inevitable court battle betwixt the Rebel Alliance and Darth Vader’s Empire State of Arizona and the Federal Government began on Thursday with hearings before Federal District Judge Sarah Bolton. Specifically the purpose of this hearing is for the judge to determine whether she will grant a preliminary injunction filed by the feds to stop the Arizona law from taking effect while the case is being tried. (To read what I think specifically about the AZ law, which I read from start to finish so you don't have to, go here. If you feel like reading the law for yourself, all 28 pages of it, go here for SB1070 or here for the amended verson, HB 2162.)

Deputy Solicitor General and Imperial Underling Edwin Kneedler argued: "It is not for one of our states to be inhospitable in the way this statute does," Kneedler said, citing as his main argument the legal doctrine of "preemption."

Preemption comes from the Constitution’s supremacy clause:

”This Constitution, and the Laws of the United States which shall be made in Pursuance thereof; and all Treaties made, or which shall be made, under the Authority of the United States, shall be the supreme Law of the Land; and the Judges in every State shall be bound thereby, any Thing in the Constitution or Laws of any State to the Contrary notwithstanding.”

It basically says that the Federal government trumps the States when acting within the boundaries of the authorities granted to it by the Constitution.

Judge Sarah Bolton (Democratic appointee under Clinton) responded thus:

"Why can't Arizona be as inhospitable as they wish to people who have entered or remained in the United States?" U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton asked in a pointed exchange with Deputy Solicitor General Edwin S. Kneedler. Her comment came during a rare federal court hearing in the Justice Department's lawsuit against Arizona and Gov. Jan Brewer (R).

Bolton, a Democratic appointee, also questioned a core part of the Justice Department's argument that she should declare the law unconstitutional: that it is "preempted" by federal law because immigration enforcement is an exclusive federal prerogative.

"How is there a preemption issue?" the judge asked. "I understand there may be other issues, but you're arguing preemption. Where is the preemption if everybody who is arrested for some crime has their immigration status checked?"

The crayon version: Bolton backhanded Kneedler and told him to go back to law school.

Kneedler claimed that the law is also no good because of severe “foreign relations” concerns…Because America absolutely needs the permission of foreign countries to regulate its own borders. /sarc

Jerking the stick the other way in a desperate barrel roll, Kneedler argued that federal agencies will be overwhelmed with requests if the law stands as is...which is basically saying that the feds are utterly incompetent and can’t do their own job, and it’s not fair that Arizona should make them.

Well, at least Kneedler and I can agree on the first part of that argument.

Shocking: Federal Judge has apparently read 10th amendment!

In a dramatic turn of events, a US federal judge out of Boston made a decision that overturns decades of jurisprudence in America. Bucking the precedent set by countless judges before him, this renegade, one Joseph Tauro, reached way back into the dusty annals of American law to pull out an almost unheard of clause. This clause, known as the 10^th amendment to the US Constitution, has been held as outmoded and outdated by nearly every lawmaker in recent history. Strangely enough this judge, despite the best effort of every law professor in the nation, somehow was accidentally exposed to the Constitution at some point in his career

Specifically, the court heard two linked cases by gay couples out of Massachusetts. They challenged the DOMA act (Defense of Marriage Act), a federal law which denied federal programs such as Medicaid to same-sex couples. The couples argued that the law forced states to discriminate against couples who were legally married in their state, and that the recognition of marriage is a state, not a federal, issue. In another case Judge Tauro also cited the equal protection clause, stating that the DOMA violated this right for couples who were legally married according to their own states’ definition.

As much as I love any time when the right of the state over the federal government is upheld, I must point out that the argument here is a bit shakier in my opinion. The act only withholds federal funding, and does not confer or deny any recognition of marriage to any state. The Justice Department argued that since the federal government is the one spending the money, it seems reasonable that they ought to be allowed to determine eligibility requirements, including denying same-sex partners.

Still, at the end of the day, I believe I prefer Judge Tauro’s definition. The feds have every right to say that the money ought not go to unmarried couples, but who exactly is married is the domain of the state. I anxiously look forward to hearing the comments from a few of my readers who are law students.

Russia and US swap spies. One of which is REALLY hot.

Russia is back at it again. Like a spurned lover who just can’t believe it’s really over, Russia seems unable to grasp that the Cold War was finished, like, decades ago. So, in a bid to bring the romance back into their lives they sent ten crack agents into the suburbia of America.

Their mission: To expose easily obtainable and largely public information of questionable security value in exchange for a pittance of pay from the Russian government.

The team had everything: A travel agent, a real-estate agent, a Spanish news reporter, a stay at home mom… They did include the one thing that every Russian spy team absolutely MUST have. Expensive gadgets? Extensive hand to hand training? Nay. They had one really, really hot Russian spy chick. (Pictures to follow).

Yeah, spying just isn’t as exciting as it was back during the Cold War. But hey, they’re trying here! Fortunately America swooped in to spice up this inept spy story. In Vienna today the US sealed the deal to trade spies with our old nemesis Russia. The Russians get their ten mediocre spies. We get four real deal spies, including two Russian intelligence colonels. These men were responsible for busting many actual, you know, competent spies operating in the US back in the day. We got Igor Sutyagin, a friggin arms researcher. Now THAT’S a spy story! International flights, clandestine swaps of suspects.

So, to sum up, Russia gets ten of the worst spies ever. We get four really good ones, including two colonels and an arms researcher. Way to go America! We totally won in this deal…right?

Anna Chapman, Russian spy we traded away. (More pictures here)

Damnit, we were totally ripped off.