Slander and libel: Women park better than men

From the land renowned for its dentistry and gourmet cuisine comes a “study” commissioned by the NCP (Non Player Character) (National Car Parks) company. I’m guessing that “car parks” is British slang for parking lots, and not actually an amusement park for cars. The latter would be much cooler, but it wouldn’t make much sense in the context of their website.

Anyways, this study puts forth the claim that women are better at parking than men. At first I assumed “parking” was some sort of clever euphemism, but was shocked to find they actually meant parking automobiles. In parking spaces. Like, where people drive.

Background: NPC is supposedly one of the premier Car Park companies in Britain. It was founded in 1931…then some other stuff happened…to be honest, I only skimmed their “about us” section, but I’m pretty sure they were bought out a few times, most recently by the Institute of Stupid Faulty Science Nobody Believes (ISFSNB).

The report, which can be found in its entirety here, opens with this completely unbiased line:

After years of debate and banter, comes the news that will have men running for cover. It’s now official; women are actually better parkers than men.

No preconceived notions here. Apparently the NPC hired a few hobos they found in the streets of London to go watch people park cars over the period of a month. They rated them on several metrics (see picture below) and came up with a “parking coefficient” out of thin air based solely on the facts. The coefficients were 12.3 and 13.4 for men and women, respectively.



Naturally, my initial response was to simply question what they defined as “better”. I knew this alone would not be sufficient. In the interest of maintaining a balanced view of the subject I turned to JAC’s resident Director of Female Studies.

Presumably fearing retaliation from the other vindictive, spiteful members of her hell spawned race, she requests that she remain “totally anonymous”. Her identity, therefore, will remain a tightly held secret that I totally will not reveal to anyone willing to buy me a beer. She will be known as “Mik”.

Mik, Director of Female Studies

Her quotes shown below may have been edited for better word flow*.

Mik states that in her experience “men are better parallel parkers” and that women are better “closer parkers”, not because of any skill on their part, but because “[they] can squeeze between the cars in tight spots”. So, score a point for female flexibility, but zero for parking capabilities. (On second thought, make that score a ten for female flexibility. You know what I’m sayin’. Hiyo!)

She also raises several questions.

Mik: What were they driving? Women tend to drive smaller cars overall.

Obviously, since the men were universally driving heavily armored tanks as a reflection of their masculinity, the amazing thing is that they fit into the spaces at all, and did it in a shorter period of time with no need to “cheat” by moving back and forth.

Mik: “What store was it? Obviously if it’s a mall there’ll be less men [parking flawlessly every time, and looking hot while doing it] than women [who oscillate their cars in their spots faster than an electronic dil…err…dynamo…to get it “just right”, because they’re stupid bad parkers]”

Valid point, Mik. What was the sample size selected by their science hobos? How many of the women did the hobos not report on? The report is mum on the subject, and NPC has not answered any of my infinite** requests for further information.

Mik: “…how many people were in the car? …With [an] elderly parent or children…it might…matter how fast you can park.”

Absolutely, Mik, another valid point. While the women were all competing for Miss Pretty Parker Pants, the men were accomplishing the parking objective quickly and efficiently so they could fireman carry their elderly parents into the hospital, thus saving their lives.

What do you have against saving the elderly, NPC? Huh!? Answer me that!

Maybe if NPC valued efficiency of parking as opposed to ending in the dead center of a parking space, we wouldn’t be burning up so many fossil fuels. Basically, what NPC is really saying is that women are single handedly responsible for destroying the environment***. Way to go, women.

And their periods attract bears. It’s science.

Footnotes:

* - If, by word flow, I mean the flow of words that supports my arguments. Then the statement is totally true.

** - Number of requests made = 0. Number of requests ignored = 0. So, the ratio between requests made and ignored is basically infinite.

*** - Assuming that global warming is man made. Or woman made, as it were. It’s not. But if it were, it’d be the women’s fault.

Disclaimer: The above article is written with an emphasis on hyperbole. All quotes were taken out of context whenever [deemed appropriate, or necessary, or I felt like it] to make my point, and the views represented here are not necessarily…ok, probably aren’t…definitely are not representative of: Mik’s, Fluffy’s, our affiliates, lawyers, nuns, Captain America, nurses, churches, lead, a duck, Captain America, Jesus, or even my own opinions.

You know what they do represent though?

Your mom.

Burned.

New Year: Wives cause alcoholism, and destroy the Earth.

Since I've been working two jobs the mental capacity that I retain has been significantly reduced. Contrary to popular (aka, my own) belief my intellect is, in fact, limited. Thus the reduction in posting frequency. Combine that with my lack of access to Facebook, the primary engine with which most people found my blog, and you've got a recipe for disaster.

Still, life goes on. So, to reward those who are still listening, I provide you some really, really cool links.

First, have you ever thought "Gee, I wonder what would happen if an asteroid composed of iron half a mile wide crashed into the Earth at an approach vector of 45 degrees, travelling an average of 17 km/s?" If you're reading my blog, you probably have. Now this question can finally be answered. (It creates a crater 10.7 miles wide and 2300 feet deep. It also shakes window panes in Raleigh, NC.)

This amazingly awesome website, provided by Perdue University, allows you to find out exactly what would happen in the above scenario. Choose the composition of your deadly missile, how fast it's going, where it'll hit, what it'll hit, and presto! Google Earth image showing you how big the crater is, how far the seismic effects travel, the area covered by the fireball and even a nice summation paragraph at the bottom telling you exactly the effects on the Earth. Everything from a tiny little crater to the complete destruction of the planet is possible. Finally, now you too can destroy New York City from the comfort of your home.

Second, the news all you men out there already knew but scientists just had to spend thousands of dollars researching. Wives drive men to drink!

This fascinating study (which is 44 pages long, but the narrative is only 26ish) details the correlation between alcohol consumption and monogamy. They are very careful not to call it a causal relationship, but the implications are clear: The more monogamous the man, the more he drinks.

Third, another geekasm (that's a geek orgasm) engine. It's a calculator. For Relativity! It accepts input of the speed of the object travelling (either in miles or km/s or percentage of C) or the relativistic factor you wish to investigate, and bam! You can now know how much time dilates when you drive on the highway, or how fast you'd have to travel in order to outrun your nagging spouse. Ok, maybe not that last one. But it will tell you how fast you'd have to go to make one year seem like an eternity! (Answer: None. This occurs naturally. See alcohol consumption).

Finally, from the folks at NASA, a little, tiny, insignificant discovery. Arsenic based life.

The article speaks for itself. Granted, nearly every other credible scientist is challenging the findings and it does not appear likely that the question of whether this little microbe is actually arsenic based or if it just has an extraordinarily high tolerance to arsenic will be settled anytime soon.

But we can dream, can't we?

Oldie but a goodie: Dihydrogen Monoxide

One of those jokes that never gets old no matter how many times it's told. Dihydrogen Monoxide. It's responsible for many, many evils. In vapor form it is a major contributor to global warming. It is deadly if inhaled or if digested in sufficient quantities. It's a prime ingredient in hundreds of toxic chemicals, acid rain, and practically every pesticide used globally. It's directly responsible for over 3500 deaths annually in America. Sadly, this chemical is present everywhere from your shampoo to baby food.

(In case you didn't catch the joke. "Di-" means two. "Mono-" means one. So, Dihydrogen Monoxide = H2O, AKA Water)

This time the joker was the Commitee for a Constructive Tomorrow, or CFACT. The jokee was the UN. CFACT passed about a petition asking these dignitaries to endorse the banning of this dangerous chemical. Now, of course there's no telling how many people signed it for fun, or how many refused to sign it. Still, nothing like a good chemistry joke on the unwitting.

Hyperbole and a half

I was going to post today. Unfortunately I've been sucked into a black hole of awesomeness. That black hole is known as "Hyperbole and a half". It is possibly the most hilarious website ever in the history of mankind. You might think that would be an unnecessary qualifier, "in the history of mankind", particularly since websites are pretty new. You would be wrong in thinking this. Why, you ask? Because I want you to think about the most awesome website you've ever been to that did not include naked women. Multiply that by 2. Then divide the result by .000000000000001. That's how awesome this website would be if it was half as awesome as it actually is.

Go there. My favorites, so far:

Dogs don't understand basic concepts like moving

Four levels of social entrapment

The awkward situation survival guide

The alot

HHH: Rangel Convicted, Spider goats, election coin tosses, and environmental wackos.

It's that time again, time to clear out my favorites list of all the stories I wanted to share with all (both) my readers but hadn't gotten around to posting.

#1: Rep. Rangel convicted for violation of ethics...faces a really, really sternly worded memo. That's right. In a classic example of Representation with Taxation, Mr. Rangel (among many other things) "fail[ed] to report more than $600,000 on his financial disclosure report and failing to pay taxes on rental income from a villa he owns in the Dominican Republic." Of course, he's too broke to afford a lawyer. He will likely face a formal reprimand. That means they will write a memo telling him what a mean, bad person he is. Bad Rangel! Bad! If they decide to go really medieval on his ass, they may even censure him. That means that said memo will be read aloud in front of the House while he stands up front. Harsh.

#2: Modified spider goats climb walls and fight crime...ok, no they don't. But they do use their milk to make spider silk! Using genes lifted from spiders and implanted in goats and silk worms it may soon be possible to mass produce this amazingly strong substance could soon be used in everything from body armor to really, really snazzy jeans. Crime fighting farm animals I'm sure are not far behind.

#3: Wanna become an Alaskan Congressman? Call it in the air...Tails. Bryce Edgmon has it. I swear I am not making this up. Apparently in September of '06 the Dem primary between incumbent Carl Moses and challenger Bryce Edgmon was actually tied. This invoked State statute is AS 15.20.530, which reads: "If after a recount and appeal two or more candidates tie in having the highest number of votes for the same office...the director shall...determine the successful candidate by lot." That's universal suffrage at work, boys.

#4: If you don't believe in man-made global warming, Paki-India will nuke you...or we'll blow you up using our portable "easy button". At least, that's what a professor at LSU and a environmental group (AKA: Granola crunching hippies) called 10-10 believe. First, to LSU. Watch the video. I especially love the part where he hands out an assignment where you need to estimate the probability of your children dying in horrible ways. Of course, he may have something with his India/Pakistan will nuke us in 50 years. In fact, I think he's right. The solution then is obvious. We need to launch a preemptive strike tomorrow.



Then the group 10-10. Their stated goal is to have everyone cut carbon emissions by 10% per year. Invoking my amazing powers of math, I think that means they want all carbon emissions gone in 10 years. I suppose we'll have to stop breathing by the year 2019. No biggie. Of course they are only interested in civil discourse and an earnest, sincere debate of the issues and evidence.



See? Nothing like a little Orwellian group think indoctrination by teachers to get you going for mother Earth!

#4: Belgium doesn't exist. Seriously. It doesn't. I mean, have you ever been there? No? I rest my case. But in case that doesn't convince you, peruse this website. All the evidence is there, my friends!

Restoring Sanity Rally, from top to bottom

Recently Jon Stewart and friends held a rally in DC. The Restoring Sanity rally was called many things by many people. The idea of the rally was one I think most of us could agree on: Shouting, arguing, and drawing Hitler moustaches is ridiculous and counter productive.

I know many of those who agree with me politically have lambasted Jon Stewart and his little get together as a "bury your head in the sand" kind of deal, a rally aimed at showing the Tea Partiers how silly they are. It is very possible, perhaps even likely, that many attendees at the rally thought exactly that.

I do not think that Jon Stewart himself thought these things. In fact, I'm certain he didn't. Please take a few minutes to listen to the final speech he gave at the end.



I mean, that's downright reasonable. I especially like the part where he says that calling a Tea Partier a racist is "insulting to real racists who have worked so hard to hate". For too long people have thrown titles at their enemies like hand grenades, without thought, hoping something sticks and proves them wrong. Hitler, Socialist, Communist, Racist, Fascist, etc., etc., etc. It is a sign of intellectual laziness.

I would counter to Mr. Stewart, however, that we need be equally vigilant to call actual socialists, communists, racists, fascists, exactly what they are, not as an insult, but as an honest definition of positions. If I say that Obama's policies are socialist, it's because I actually think they are socialist and wish to argue against them, not simply because I think that socialist is a cool thing to say.

I've always liked Jon Stewart, and his fellow comedian Colbert, because they are A) Funny as hell, and B) Equal opportunity comics. I disagree with nearly everything they believe politically, but I can respect that they will throw hard questions or lampoon the Left on their silliness just as quickly as they'll spear the Right. The sad thing is that they are at times, as fake journalists, twice the journalists that actual news people will ever be.

Now I'd like to share another video of the Restoring Sanity Rally. This of a presumably conservative man walking around with the sign "Obama: Keynesian?". Hilarity ensues as the dubiously informed masses proceed to argue quite angrily with him.



Remember, this is a small snapshot of the crowd. I don't believe that these folks are representative of the entire audience (though the blank stare I've received on numerous occasions when I relay the funny story to others is making me question this stance), and this video shouldn't be used to invalidate the entire purpose of the rally. It should be used for a laugh.

Sarah Palin is obviously well-informed on the BTP an idiot

On October 19th Sarah Palin, easily the hottest Vice Presidential nominee EVAH, was speaking at a Tea Party Express event in Nevada. She warned the gathered throngs that they needed to stay the course and not get overconfident. They couldn't "party like it's 1773" until tea-party candidates actually managed to get elected.

Of course, many of her detractors were very quick to jump on this astute knowledge of dates far superior to my own obvious sign of idiocy in their favorite punching bag. "Moron! The Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776!"

Here I must direct you to Cuffy Meigs who did a good, succinct piece on the reaction. He gathered the twitters of various prominence personages. Then he wrote this, which I could not possibly improve on:

"I mean, hell, it must be extremely embarrassing to have your obvious ignorance of 5th grade American history revealed by the likes of the Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas and PBS anchor & presidential debate moderator Gwen Ifill. HAHAHAHAHA, what a freakin' dumb ass! What happened in 1773, indeed!

oh, wait:

Boston Tea Party, 1773

Like they were saying: Ummmmm...

PS: In case you're thinking Palin got lucky, the Right Scoop has full video of her remarks ... which clearly refer to the original Boston Tea Party."

Classic.

Stephen Colbert Goes to Congress

The Conservative media outlets have been abuzz recently, angrily muttering about the audacity of Congress to show a sense of humor. Faux conservative comedian Stephen Colbert was asked to testify before Congress in a hearing entitled "Protecting America's Harvest". From HuffPo:

"Colbert appeared with United Farm Workers (UFW) President Arturo S. Rodriguez before the House Judiciary Committee's Subcommittee on Immigration, Citizenship, Refugees, Border Security, and International Law. In August, the comedian spent a day working at a corn and vegetable farm in New York state after Rodriguez appeared on his show to discuss UFW's "Take Our Jobs" campaign.

The effort is intended to debunk the theory that undocumented immigrants are taking jobs away from American citizens and highlight the fact the nation's food supply is dependent on these farm workers."

Please view the video below. Colbert makes some outstanding points. For example, work as a migrant laborer is "really hard". It's worth the watch.

To Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Heritage, etc., etc., I have just this to say:

Lighten up. You're making me look bad.

Heward’s Handy Haversack: Tractor Beams, God’s sex change, and Health Care success epic fail stories.

Since I’ll be unable to post anything for the coming week due to a variety of commitments I figured I’d throw out a Haversack full of the cool stuff I’ve stumbled upon on the web that I really intended to blog about but never got around to.

#1: Tractor Beams for Realsies, as tested by scientists at the Australian National University. According to the article, the beam can move small particles 1.5 meters, and possibly as far as 10 meters, using nothing but light. While the ability to move minuscule objects with light has existed for years, this new method can move objects a hundred times larger a hundred times farther. Nifty.

#2: Holy Trinity, now in a miniskirt! Feeling that millennia of Divinely Inspired masculine references just weren’t good enough, the Scottish Episcopal Church have “approved the introduction of more ‘inclusive’ language, which deliberately removes references suggesting that God is of male gender”. Now, instead of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, it is Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier.

Slightly more offensive is the new uniform of the Bishop.



#3: English 333: ZOMBIES! Displaying levels of w00t that can only be described as epicly awesome, the University of Baltimore professor Arnold Blumberg has introduced a new class to the University’s repertoire. “Eng 333, Media Genres: Zombies” will deal with the most important questions of our time:

”Is "Night of the Living Dead" a simple zombie film or a subtle antiwar statement? Precisely when did viral pandemic supplant nuclear radiation as the lead cause of zombification? And which sort of animated dead has the greater potential to frighten: shambler or sprinter?

Next step: Practical Lab course, featuring training on weapon selection and use in combat. These are life skills, people. It’s important to feed your mind now, so your mind doesn’t feed the dead later.

#4: The dice odds of the game Risk. No gimmick here. Straight up, Kennedy Lemke used a computer “brute force” program to find out what the odds were, precisely. Bottom line: 3 dice have an advantage over two, but only a slight one. 7 wins out of 13.

#5: Public Healthcare in Sweden: Self serve! A Swedish man by the name of Jonas, 32, demonstrated his elation with the new self serve policy of their public healthcare system by being forced to sew up his own wounded leg after waiting an hour to be seen. Of course, while this story has a bit of badass, there is no redeeming quality to a Canadian woman who had a miscarriage while waiting more than three hours in the waiting room to be treated. Government run healthcare: What could possibly go wrong?

The Ant and the Grasshopper: A plagiarized tale

This came to me via email today. I'd heard it before, but its still funny enough to post. Plus, I'm a bit swamped on the blog side by a project I'm working on that should prove to be epic. So, in the meantime I've copped out and will post this email instead of working! Enjoy.

The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

Two Different Versions ...

Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.


MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:

Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of
the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

Getting ridiculous: Yet another HOT Russian Spy

I almost did not report this story on my blog. I pride myself on the intellectual high ground my blog maintains. Whether it’s deep intellectual conversations about the role of government, religion and the meaning of liberty or road kill cozies and cake vs. pie, I have standards. Like all men, however, my intellectual standards inexplicably evaporate like water in the Mojave when confronted with something like this.

On July 15, 2010 one Anna Fermova, 24, was busted for attempting to smuggle night vision equipment out of the country. The English teacher who was born in Latvia and raised in Plano, Texas, was intending to bring approximately $15,000 worth of equipment back to Mother Russia. The feds immediately set about taking her mug shots with amazing efficiency.

According to Mrs. Fermova she and her husband were planning on selling the $7,000 Raptor 4X night vision sight to big game hunters. Quote: "I am a US citizen, I grew up in America, I am not a spy — that is just funny…I am freaking out right now." She now awaits transfer from Texas to New York in order to attend her hearing.

Of course, with any member of the intelligence community, particularly as it relates to those masters of espionage, the Russians, there is always the danger of a breakout or rescue. It is important that we stay vigilant. Acknowledging this threat I consider it my civic duty to make absolutely certain you can recognize her on the street. Please distribute the following pictures to every male citizen you can find.

Heward’s Handy Haversack: World’s Best Beer, spies, and geese

Once again it’s time for a few random news pieces that are absolutely essential to your survival but that I did not feel rated their own article space for reasons of artistic judgement and…because I was lazy. Just remember: Laziness promotes efficiency.

Item #1: The Best Beer EVER.

What do you get when you combine Scotsmen, roadkill, and alcohol? One of two things: Very disturbing police reports, or this:

That’s right. That is, in fact, a squirrel beer cozy. 55% ABV, this tasty treat can be yours for the low, low price of $765. Frankly, I think it would be worth every penny simply to buy this beer and drink it on the doorstep of PETA. Exit question: If it takes a squirrel to cover a beer, what’s the next step? Deer kegs?

Item #2: Good spies don’t die. They don’t even fade away. They just keep posting on Facebook.

A couple weeks ago America got totally bamboozled by Russia when they fooled us into trading away Anna Chapman, possibly the hottest spy the Russians every successfully fielded against the US. Despite being detained in Moscow reportedly being debriefed, Anna has found time in her busy schedule to constantly update her facebook page. The Russian tabloids have dubbed her agent 90-60-90, and American newspapers refer to her simply as the hot one.

So what’s the story here? There really isn’t one. I just wanted an excuse to post more pictures.



Item #3: Times are tough, even for the Imperial #2 man.

Darth Vader was sighted robbing a bank on Thursday in Long Island. He entered the Chase Bank at approximately 11:30 AM. Made known nationwide with the documentary series dubbed “Star Wars”, Vader has apparently fallen on hard times. Forced to pawn his lightsaber in order to feed his growing alcohol habit and too inebriated to use the force, despite the complete lack of faith on the part of those around him, Vader was compelled to use a barbaric and primitive handgun to pull off the heist.



Item #4: The Final Goose Solution

The City of New York has proclaimed genocidal jihad against that rat of the sky, the Canadian Goose. Currently numbering somewhere around 250,000, a multi agency report was released outlining the “Final Solution” to bring the population down to approximately 85,000. 400 geese were rounded up and gassed last month, leaving only a modest 249,600 to go! From the plan:

“The captured geese are placed alive in commercial turkey crates. The geese would be brought to a secure location and euthanized with methods approved by the American Veterinary Medical Association. Euthanized geese would be buried.”

The plan itself is tastefully bound in a light green hardwood binder, and the benign nature of the contents can be clearly determined by the title: “How to serve geese”. See picture below for an example of the planned burial arrangements. RIP, Mr. Goose.

Russia and US swap spies. One of which is REALLY hot.

Russia is back at it again. Like a spurned lover who just can’t believe it’s really over, Russia seems unable to grasp that the Cold War was finished, like, decades ago. So, in a bid to bring the romance back into their lives they sent ten crack agents into the suburbia of America.

Their mission: To expose easily obtainable and largely public information of questionable security value in exchange for a pittance of pay from the Russian government.

The team had everything: A travel agent, a real-estate agent, a Spanish news reporter, a stay at home mom… They did include the one thing that every Russian spy team absolutely MUST have. Expensive gadgets? Extensive hand to hand training? Nay. They had one really, really hot Russian spy chick. (Pictures to follow).

Yeah, spying just isn’t as exciting as it was back during the Cold War. But hey, they’re trying here! Fortunately America swooped in to spice up this inept spy story. In Vienna today the US sealed the deal to trade spies with our old nemesis Russia. The Russians get their ten mediocre spies. We get four real deal spies, including two Russian intelligence colonels. These men were responsible for busting many actual, you know, competent spies operating in the US back in the day. We got Igor Sutyagin, a friggin arms researcher. Now THAT’S a spy story! International flights, clandestine swaps of suspects.

So, to sum up, Russia gets ten of the worst spies ever. We get four really good ones, including two colonels and an arms researcher. Way to go America! We totally won in this deal…right?

Anna Chapman, Russian spy we traded away. (More pictures here)

Damnit, we were totally ripped off.

Intellectually Challenging Humor: Cracked.com

When you have as staggering an intellect as mine own you often find it difficult to find sites with sufficient refinement, epic soliloquy, and academic merit enough to entertain. Fortunately, I have found one that rarely disappoints.

That site is Cracked.com. With great titles such as "Learn your Motherf#@kin' Science: A textbook for Juggalos" and "The 5 Most Socially Awkward Situations Everyone Deals With", this is a site that rarely disappoints even the most elite of the elite.

"6 Soldiers Who Survived Shit That Would Kill A Terminator"? Check.

"8 Amazing Stories of Ninja Failure"? Check.

Total awesomeness? Check.

Here are a few of my other favorites. I encourage you to increase your historical knowledge and comical palette.

"The Single Most Ridiculous Movie Premise Ever Made"
"The 17 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Propaganda Posters"
"6 New Weapons That You Literally Can't Hide From"
"5 Creepy Ways Video Games Are Trying To Get You Addicted"

Irony: A dish best served topless

Why is it that when something unbelievably awesome happens I am, invariably, no less than 500 miles away and don’t even hear about it for days later? Why am I never present for something completely off the wall like, just to pull an example out of thin air, two dozen women marching topless on the streets?

No, I am not making this up.




A group of men and women marched down the streets of Portland, ME, on the 3rd of April to protest the “double standard on male and female nudity”. From hereafter in this blog I will pretend that no males were a part of the demonstration because I would not want to let facts to interfere with the awesomeness of the story.

They marched on down to the local park where many “happily posed for pictures”.

WARNING: Critical levels of irony imminent.

” The women [were] preceded and followed by several hundred boisterous and mostly male onlookers, many of them carrying cameras…Ty McDowell, who organized the march, said she was "enraged" by the turnout of men attracted to the demonstration. The purpose, she said, was for society to have the same reaction to a woman walking around topless as it does to men without shirts on... Police said there were no incidents and no arrests – nudity is illegal in Maine only if genitals are displayed.“

Not only did the demonstration which was supposed to show society's acceptance of female nudity attract a massive crowd of men to demonstrate exactly how accepting they were of said nudity. Not only was Ty McDowell caught completely off guard by the fact that topless women might attract crowds of men with cameras. There were no arrests because the thing they were protesting, females being topless, was already completely legal in the area they were protesting.

Note to self: Move to Maine immediately.

MW3: The most realistic war game EVER!

It will come as no shock to anyone who has met me for more than three minutes that I am a gamer. I enjoy many genres, from RPGs (Role Playing Games) to music based games, i.e. Rock Band or Guitar Hero. I am also an infantryman, and so nitpicking shooters is kind of a hobby of mine. Shouting at the screen "That's not how you properly load a SAW, moron!" is almost as fun as actually playing the game. I must tip my hat to the folks at COD: Modern Warfare, however. Their newest installment, Modern Warfare 3, is guaranteed to be the most realistic game ever created.

How so? Because most of your life as a video game soldier will be spent waiting for orders and filling out paperwork.


Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

My personal favorite line comes when, post-deployment, your character must fend off hordes of college students asking how hot it was, and how many people he killed. Now that, my friends, is realism at its best.

Heward's Handy Haversack: Healthcare, baby letters, and hamsters!

Welcome, friends, imaginary monkeys, and those who accidentally stumbled upon this page on your way to way cooler sites! Today's smorgasbord of news is brought to you by the letters B & G. Why B & G? Because the sheeple of America appear to be buying a clue about...

#1: Big Government! According to the Communist News Network (CNN) poll published this morning, "A majority of Americans think the federal government poses a threat to rights of Americans, according to a new national poll."



Shocking! Overall, 56% of people believed the threat of government. Showing the type of mathematical genius rarely found outside of academia, the writer points out that 44% disagree. Captain Obvious at CNN goes on to say that there is a wide partisan divide. "...only 37 percent of Democrats, 63 percent of Independents and nearly 7 in 10 Republicans say the federal government poses a threat to the rights of Americans."

If this universal truth, that government is a threat to freedom even in the best of times, is not lost there may yet be hope. Then again, apparently two thirds of college students believe that the phrase "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need" either is or may have been included in the constitution. I guess that light at the end of the tunnel was a train after all.

#2: Obama a great listener...Provided of course that the person talking is, in fact, Obama. As you may be aware there was a much trumped summit on healthcare recently. I did not see one minute of this summit. I had more important things to do, like watch Olympic curling. (Yes, I watch curling. I am now a part of a very elite group of Americans who actually understand the rules and cheer at the appropriate parts. I agree, it is not the most exciting sport. I am looking forward to a US v. Canada gold medal hockey game exponentially more. Still, it is very addicting. But I digress.) I can tell you, however, it involved a crackton of jawboning and about a thimble's worth of actual decision making. Apparently our Commander in Chief took the lion's share of the boning.

"By the end of the televised event, Mr. Obama had spoken for 119 minutes - nine minutes more than the 110 minutes consumed by 17 Republicans. The 21 Democratic lawmakers used 114 minutes, giving the president and his supporters a whopping 233 minutes, according to a 'talk clock' kept by GOP aides."

Don't get me wrong. I know that nearly all politicians, be they right, left, or center, could give lessons in self obsession to Narcissus. Regardless, it casts light on the true nature of the debate...By showing there really isn't one. Which leads us to our next item...

#3: Dem's healthcare motto: Go big or go home! Prior to the aforementioned summit the magic O released his healthcare plan. It comes in at the low, low price of just $950 billion*.

* - According to Whitehouse analysis. The CBO has not yet analyzed the legislation...To break it down in crayons, I'm anticipating the final shakedown to authoritatively turn that "b" into a "tr".

How will we pay for it? Hold on, let me find that broken record...Oh, here it is: We'll tax the rich! The plan boasts "bigger penalties on larger employers that do not provide health insurance" and would "would raise the Medicare payroll tax on couples earning more than $250,000 a year." Because, after all, the rich don't really deserve their money. It's not like they earned it or something.

The O plan does drop the very controversial public option, and lowers the penalty for being uninsured to just $325 (though that penalty goes up sharply after the first years). I suppose that is better than a more expensive penalty, but it begs the question: Since when should the government, particularly the federal government, have the right to penalize me for not purchasing a product of any type?

Buried in page three of the article is this line: "The bill also gives the federal government sweeping new powers to curb exorbitant rate hikes by the nation’s health insurance companies, a White House official said Sunday night". I'm not sure which is more frightening. The fact that the Whiskey Hotel thinks it ought to have the right to say anything about the rates a private company charges for a product that it sells to private citizens, or that such an opinion is so common is isn't even shocking anymore. I mean, when the Feds can outright own auto companies and fire CEOs at will, dictating rate hikes is small potatoes.

Though pushed forward by the executive branch, the left legislative branch plans to take up the plan as its own. Their game, according to party strategists and the Politico, is essentially to leverage their dominance in both Houses of Congress and push forward a "Democrat only" plan.

And finally...

#4: Infants and unborn write to President. This really isn't news, in the strictest sense of the word. However, since it's my blog and most everyone has wandered away to way cooler sites already, I'm going to go ahead and post it. This bit is from my man Glenn Beck's show about the letters the President receives on healthcare. It starts with 2 year old writers, and spirals down to a lowly sperm cell decrying the woes of the uninsured. Just plain funny.

Comparisons: Pirates vs. Ninjas

Comparison debates are made every day. Socialism vs. Capitalism. Christianity vs. Islam. Ford vs. Chevy. But there is one issue that outstrips them all, and that is what we will examine today.

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Swashbuckling buccaneers, or black clad warriors? To start with you may want to examine this excellent source, which compares the two in a very unbiased manner.

The rules:

1. We aren't debating which you'd rather be, or who is cooler. We are comparing sheer awesome deadliness. We will try to replicate the conditions that such an epic showdown would occur.
2. As in the source above, ninjas get no extra-dimensional magic tricks.
3. Also as in above, pirates aren't crazy supernatural and/or undead pirates. The term "pirate" in this debate is nearly always meant to refer to European/Caribbean pirates, a la Blackbeard. That is what we will be using here.

Item #1: Terrain

With any conflict, terrain is important. It goes without saying that pirates have a significant advantage when at sea thanks to their profession. Ninjas, on the other hand, would have the advantage on land for the same reason. The slideshow points out that water covers 3/4 of the earth's surface, giving the pirate a sheer surface area advantage. However, 99.99% of humanity (everyone except sailors and pirates) live almost exclusively on the land. Even pirates frequent coastal towns to rape/pillage/gather supplies/get drunk. For this reason any conflict would most likely happen there, giving the ninja the upper hand.

Item #2: Armament

The pirate had a wide array of weapons at his disposal. From militaryhistory.com:

• While the pirate had access to muskets and crossbows, they "prized the pistol above all other weapons." This was a short range weapon that could fire one large ball, or several small ones like a shotgun. It was single shot, so many pirates (for example, Blackbeard) carried multiple pistols. Their range was "an effective range of only 3 or 4 yards". Because deck boarding was a crowded melee, accuracy was not a concern.
• "The most popular pirate sword was the cutlass, a crude, heavy, single-edged sword that was typically about two feet long. Although somewhat clumsy, this sword was easily wielded during a crowded battle, and relatively cheap." Here we can see they go for quantity, rather than quality. Once again, designed to be used in a crowded melee brawl.
• The pirate ship was a weapon as well. Unfortunately for the buccaneer, since this fight is occurring in a port town, the cannons aren't of any use.

The Ninja, too, had an assortment of tools. His gear goes beyond simple combat implements. Source: The Ninjutsu Society

• "Ninja Tou: This was a sword with a plain square tsuba (guard). Like all the weapons of the ninja, this had more uses than simply attacking the enemy." The scabbard was longer than necessary for the weapon, allowing it to conceal powders, poisons, documents, shurikens, etc. It could also be used as a step to get to hard to reach places. They were not as high quality as the samurai katana, and so the ninjas practiced using their entire body momentum to generate killing force with their slightly curved blade. It deserves to be pointed out that the katana is widely regarded as one of the finest blades ever crafted, so even a lesser blade crafted by legendary Japanese smiths would be formidable.
• A plethora of other melee weapons are commonly used by ninjas, depending on the situation. These can include:

1. Bo staff, known for it's defensive capabilities (A ninja armed with a bo could keep as many as 5 men armed with swords at bay)
2. Kusarigama (or sickle with weighted chain) that could be used for climbing or slashing in combat
3. Jutte, which could be used to capture an evaded blade
4. Yari or Naginta (long spear and halberd like spear respectively).
5. Shuko/Ashiko, claws worn on the hands and feet that could be used to aid in climbing. They were also raking weapons and could even be used to capture swords.
6. Kusarifundo (chain-weight) was a short chain with weights attached to each end.. It was swung to achieve great momentum and then aimed to strike with the very end of the weight for maximum impact.
7. Shurikens, which can refer to any thrown weapon. They range from disks with 3-8 blades to sliver-like lengths of metal that were used like throwing knives, poisoned or not. Ninjas typically carried 9 shurikens, as the number 9 was believed to be lucky.
8. Miscellaneous other tools, including: Sight obscuring powder, caltrops (barbed metals that were scattered on the ground to discourage pursuit), bows with poisoned arrows, and others.

Item #3: Training & tactics

Pirates came from every walk of life. They depended on their abilities as seamen to sail, and lifetimes of practice would make them very competent sailors. In battle, however, it was somewhat different. Formal training was unlikely, but practice and experience were not. (Source) The usual prey of a pirate ship would be a lightly armed merchant vessel. If ever approached by a foe that appeared to be close in strength or weaponry they would run rather than fight. They would rely first on intimidation to have the crew surrender, so that the booty could be taken with no fight. Should this prove unsuccessful, brute force and superior numbers were typically used. They were renowned for taking no prisoners in this situation, likely to prevent fights in the future.

Ninjas, on the other hand, were typically either born into the ninja clan or were joined to it shortly after birth. The child would grow living, drinking, and breathing ninjutsu. Much like the Spartans before them, every facet of life was focused on training for the young assassins. The very nature of the ninja makes their histories difficult to discern. What is clear, though, is that the ninja's life was Ninjutsu. The ninja prefers to fight from the shadows, striking and then vanishing, rather than engaging the enemy forthright.

Item #4: Numbers

In the most likely, coastal town, scenario the pirates would be on shore leave. Drinking, carousing, raping, pillaging, etc. It is doubtful the entire crew would be massed at one place, but it is equally unlikely that any pirate would be alone. As a pirate sloop could carry around 75 people, we will say that twenty pirates, or a little more than a quarter of the crew, are travelling together. We will also give them the benefit of the doubt and say they are fully armed and equipped, and that it is a dry night (so their gunpowder will work.)

The ninja clans were entire collections of families and could consist of fifteen or more fully mastered ninjas, as well as numerous trainees of varying levels of skill. It is unlikely that the clan would send every ninja they had, even for a battle of this magnitude. Keeping with the same ratio, we will say the ninjas send about a quarter of their elite, or four master ninjas.

The conclusion

Finally, we arrive at the battle itself. Who will win?

Twenty pirates

Four ninjas.

I'm going to spoil the ending for you: The ninjas win. Here's why:

• The pirates don't know they're coming. Why? Because they are ninjas, stealth is what they do.
• Being in an ambush position, the ninjas will be able to set up at range with bows or shurikens. Traps and other devices could also be laid in the kill zone. In the opening volley of projectiles the ninjas can be expected to kill at least one person each (with poison and whatnot), not to mention various eye irritants and other chemical weapons they could employ.
• At this point, 20% of the pirates are dead or dying, and the rest are having a bad day. The ninjas could either employ more shurikens (they have 9, remember), or close to hand-to-hand.
• The pirates have their firearms. They are well suited to a confused melee, where there are enemies everywhere and accuracy is not an issue. In this case, however, numbers count against you as you are just as likely to hit a friend as a smaller, more agile foe.
• The pirates weapons are crude, their training minimal, and so the ninja will undoubtedly outdo them in hand to hand. Again, well suited for attacking a lightly armed merchant vessel. Not so much against heavily armed and expertly trained avatars of death.
• Morale will quickly become a factor. Having been ambushed, attacked with chemical weapons, and having experienced shocking up front casualties (For comparison, there was an 11% casualty rate on D-day), and with no treasure and/or rum likely to be gained by staying around, it is unlikely that the buccaneers would stand and fight. The ninjas on the other hand are devoted to their clan to the point of suicidal death and/or disfigurement.

Estimated casualties at end of battle: Pirates - 10+, ninjas - 0-1. Pirates flee the field.

Showdown: Cake vs. Pie

For centuries, mankind has been plagued with questions. What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? What is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything? (That one is 42, obviously). Today we will take one of these ultimate questions and settle it, once and for all.

Cake vs. Pie

Let's start with definitions.

Pie:

From Webster's:

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English
Date: 14th century
1: a meat dish baked with biscuit or pastry crust — compare potpie
2: a dessert consisting of a filling (as of fruit or custard) in a pastry shell or topped with pastry or both

Cake:

Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old Norse kaka; akin to Old High German kuocho cake
Date: 13th century
1 a: a breadlike food made from a dough or batter that is usually fried or baked in small flat shapes and is often unleavened b: a sweet baked food made from a dough or thick batter usually containing flour and sugar and often shortening, eggs, and a raising agent (as baking powder) c: a flattened usually round mass of food that is baked or fried
2 a: a block of compacted or congealed matter b: a hard or brittle layer or deposit

Versus

The largest difference between these two dishes is versatility. A cake, being tied down by its batter, is limited in possibilities. You can only fry and mix eggs and flour so many ways before you start repeating yourself. A cake is a cake, no matter how you slice it.

The pie, on the other hand, is nearly limitless. Starting on the outside, the crust can have many variations: Simple dough, gingerbread, oreo, graham, chocolate...The list goes on and on. The filling itself is even more varied. You want fruit? Try apples, cherries, or blackberries. In the mood for something more light? Meringues of every size and description. Cheese? Perhaps you should sample the cheesecake (which is clearly a pie, despite the name). Pies aren't even limited to deserts. Meat pies and pot pies bring it to the dinner table. It could even be argued that pizza is a form of pie.

Since every person has different tastes it is important to be able to appeal to the masses. Here, pie clearly wins hands down. [EDIT: It also deserves to be noted that the cake depends on a parasite, namely the icing, for it's appeal and flavor. Pies, on the other hand, rely on no one for their tasty goodness.]

Socially, cake does have one advantage. They have managed to corner the market on birthdays. After all, no one wants a birthday pie. That's great for the one day. The other 364 days of the year, you've got pies. In comedy, cream pies have been used for decades in routines throughout the world. And let's face it: When your dessert shares its name with "a block of compacted or congealed matter", it's hard to rally behind it. Bird's of a feather flock together, after all. Congealed matter anyone?

Politically, cakes have been used by dictators to suppress their people for centuries. Simply recall the popular phrase "let them eat cake", which (while its origins are murky) is a symbol of aristocracy. On the other hand, let's have another quote: As American as Apple _______. Fill in the blank, my friend.

In conclusion:

• Pie's are far more versatile
• Cakes only dominate for one day, or roughly .27% of the year
• Pies are popular for 99.73% of the year
• Pies are funny
• Cake=congealed matter & aristocracy
• Pies=Freedom and America.

Mayor elections, results in

In the town of Manitowoc the final results for the mayoral elections are in. The winner? Justin Nickels, by a 15 vote margin. He has an impressive resume: The 22 year old has been handling money for years now, a skill vital to any mayor. Of course, he was handling said cash at his grocery register...But still! It is valuable.

The result may seem a little surprising until you look at his competition. Dave Soeldner is 39 years young civil engineer who holds a paltry masters degree from some no-name college called the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (or MIT). Sounds like one of those degree by mail places.

The lunacy doesn't stop there. Checking out his website, you can see him supporting radical views like "Elected officials work for the people, not the other way around" and "City government cannot create wealth". Pure crazy.