Slander and libel: Women park better than men

From the land renowned for its dentistry and gourmet cuisine comes a “study” commissioned by the NCP (Non Player Character) (National Car Parks) company. I’m guessing that “car parks” is British slang for parking lots, and not actually an amusement park for cars. The latter would be much cooler, but it wouldn’t make much sense in the context of their website.

Anyways, this study puts forth the claim that women are better at parking than men. At first I assumed “parking” was some sort of clever euphemism, but was shocked to find they actually meant parking automobiles. In parking spaces. Like, where people drive.

Background: NPC is supposedly one of the premier Car Park companies in Britain. It was founded in 1931…then some other stuff happened…to be honest, I only skimmed their “about us” section, but I’m pretty sure they were bought out a few times, most recently by the Institute of Stupid Faulty Science Nobody Believes (ISFSNB).

The report, which can be found in its entirety here, opens with this completely unbiased line:

After years of debate and banter, comes the news that will have men running for cover. It’s now official; women are actually better parkers than men.

No preconceived notions here. Apparently the NPC hired a few hobos they found in the streets of London to go watch people park cars over the period of a month. They rated them on several metrics (see picture below) and came up with a “parking coefficient” out of thin air based solely on the facts. The coefficients were 12.3 and 13.4 for men and women, respectively.



Naturally, my initial response was to simply question what they defined as “better”. I knew this alone would not be sufficient. In the interest of maintaining a balanced view of the subject I turned to JAC’s resident Director of Female Studies.

Presumably fearing retaliation from the other vindictive, spiteful members of her hell spawned race, she requests that she remain “totally anonymous”. Her identity, therefore, will remain a tightly held secret that I totally will not reveal to anyone willing to buy me a beer. She will be known as “Mik”.

Mik, Director of Female Studies

Her quotes shown below may have been edited for better word flow*.

Mik states that in her experience “men are better parallel parkers” and that women are better “closer parkers”, not because of any skill on their part, but because “[they] can squeeze between the cars in tight spots”. So, score a point for female flexibility, but zero for parking capabilities. (On second thought, make that score a ten for female flexibility. You know what I’m sayin’. Hiyo!)

She also raises several questions.

Mik: What were they driving? Women tend to drive smaller cars overall.

Obviously, since the men were universally driving heavily armored tanks as a reflection of their masculinity, the amazing thing is that they fit into the spaces at all, and did it in a shorter period of time with no need to “cheat” by moving back and forth.

Mik: “What store was it? Obviously if it’s a mall there’ll be less men [parking flawlessly every time, and looking hot while doing it] than women [who oscillate their cars in their spots faster than an electronic dil…err…dynamo…to get it “just right”, because they’re stupid bad parkers]”

Valid point, Mik. What was the sample size selected by their science hobos? How many of the women did the hobos not report on? The report is mum on the subject, and NPC has not answered any of my infinite** requests for further information.

Mik: “…how many people were in the car? …With [an] elderly parent or children…it might…matter how fast you can park.”

Absolutely, Mik, another valid point. While the women were all competing for Miss Pretty Parker Pants, the men were accomplishing the parking objective quickly and efficiently so they could fireman carry their elderly parents into the hospital, thus saving their lives.

What do you have against saving the elderly, NPC? Huh!? Answer me that!

Maybe if NPC valued efficiency of parking as opposed to ending in the dead center of a parking space, we wouldn’t be burning up so many fossil fuels. Basically, what NPC is really saying is that women are single handedly responsible for destroying the environment***. Way to go, women.

And their periods attract bears. It’s science.

Footnotes:

* - If, by word flow, I mean the flow of words that supports my arguments. Then the statement is totally true.

** - Number of requests made = 0. Number of requests ignored = 0. So, the ratio between requests made and ignored is basically infinite.

*** - Assuming that global warming is man made. Or woman made, as it were. It’s not. But if it were, it’d be the women’s fault.

Disclaimer: The above article is written with an emphasis on hyperbole. All quotes were taken out of context whenever [deemed appropriate, or necessary, or I felt like it] to make my point, and the views represented here are not necessarily…ok, probably aren’t…definitely are not representative of: Mik’s, Fluffy’s, our affiliates, lawyers, nuns, Captain America, nurses, churches, lead, a duck, Captain America, Jesus, or even my own opinions.

You know what they do represent though?

Your mom.

Burned.