Special Forces rescue American hostage from PIRATES

Last night I watched the State of the Union address, pencil and paper poised to take notes with which to execute my traditional blow-by-blow analysis of the speech. Naturally, I left those notes at home today. So, instead of working on that article, which I promise will be forthcoming, during my lunch break I instead bring you this news from Somalia.

Those wacky Somali pirates were at it again. They had kidnapped an American citizen, one Jessica Buchanan (32), and her Danish companion who's name isn't important at all because he isn't American, and also because she's way hotter.

Seriously, who looks at this and says "I wonder what I should call the old guy?"

They apparently hoped to get a ransom for holding the two. Naturally, the Administration was "considering a rescue operation for weeks" (AKA, stabbing informants in the face in order to find out where they were) "but stepped up its plans after receiving reports that Buchanan’s health was deteriorating." After receiving intel on where the pair were being held, the Pentagon dispatched the infamous Seal Team 6 to rescue them both.

Oh, and also mercilessly slaughter every single pirate who dared to raise their hand against America. You know, since they were in the neighborhood.

How bad ass is that? Not only do you get dropped into an exotic land, not only do you rescue the hot chick from certain doom, but you do it all while bathing in the blood of pirates!

Kudos to President Obama for authorizing the raid.