The Magic O Update

Thanks to recent action in our pet nation, The Commonwealth of the Magic O, we now have the following:

Category: Democratic Socialists
Civil Rights:Excellent
Economy:Developing
Political Freedoms:Very Good

The Commonwealth of The Magic O is a tiny, socially progressive nation, notable for its burgeoning quacking tree frog population. Its compassionate, intelligent population of 12 million are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

The government -- a sprawling, bureaucracy-choked, socially-minded morass -- is mainly concerned with Religion & Spirituality, although Education and Social Welfare are secondary priorities. The average income tax rate is 39%, but much higher for the wealthy. A small but healthy private sector is led by the Soda Sales industry, followed by Basket Weaving and Tourism.

The government is seen to favor Catholics, voting is compulsory, and tourists from around the world come to visit the country's famous rainforests. Crime is relatively low.

Three more issues now confront our intrepid leader:

1. A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

A) "Do you know how much of my year's work goes to the government?" demanded angry worker Bianca Longfellow. "Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs."

B) "It's not the AMOUNT of tax, it's where the burden falls," says student activist George W. Wu. "And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don't think I need to say anything more than that."

C) "I don't object to the amount of tax, I object to where it's being spent," says social reformer Anne-Marie Shiomi. "I'd like to see everyone have a choice as to where their dolla bills go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you'd see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business."

My choice: B, because we have to spread the wealth.

2. In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for The Magic O's Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that quacking tree frogs could be added to the menu.

A) "The fact is, the quacking tree frog population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Bill Christmas. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have quacking tree frog kebabs, quacking tree frog pies, quacking tree frog-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."

B)"I agree that something needs to be done about quacking tree frog over-population," says random passer-by Buy Thiesen, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."

C)"I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Samuel du Pont. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The quacking tree frogs were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The quacking tree frog is part of what makes The Magic O a great nation!"

My choice: C. Gotta save the planet from that evil industry.

3. Last night the respected tabloid TV show "60 Minutes" ran a report on The Magic O's rising divorce rate. What is happening to the nuclear family?

A) "There's a simple solution," says Pastor Felix, of the Catholic Church. "Divorce should be illegal. 'For better or worse,' anyone remember how that goes? We should return to the good old days, when you got married for life and stuck by your partner no matter how much of a drunken, abusive, adulterating disappointment they turned out to be."

B) John Black, author of the hit book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Some Whole Other Place,' has a simpler solution. "If couples would just call each other 'darling' once in a while, there would be far fewer relationship breakdowns. A little affection is all it takes. So the government should make it mandatory: call your spouse 'darling' at least once a day, or face a fine."

C) "There's a simple way to boost the marriage rate," says gay rights activist Colin Shiomi. "Abolish those arcane laws that discriminate against same-sex marriages. It's obscene to treat people differently because of their sexual preference. Besides, everyone knows gay relationships are more stable than straight ones."

My choice: B. Obama has come out against gay marriage, and what better way to strengthen marriage but a little bit of government intervention?