Saturday, September 15, 2012

Embassies, part 2: How do we respond to protests?

In my last post, I outlined why the film that has caused such a ruckus overseas is protected speech, despite the fact that it is ignorant and hateful. Of course, because of that film, an Ambassador is dead and our Embassies are burning. What do we do about this?

First, a definition: A protest is a bunch of people carrying signs, maybe chanting, to express an opinion. What is occurring are not protests: They are what we call "riots". So let's call a spade a spade: These demonstrations are riots, plain and simple. If the people are simply protesting, they ought to be allowed to continue. Heck, they should be encouraged! Statements from the embassy should read something like this:

"While we do not agree with the burning of our President in effigy, we absolutely endorse the people's right to do it. And also, where exactly are you getting all these American flags? Like, seriously, the number of flags we've watched you guys burn could probably clothe every child in Africa. There must be entire factories devoted to nothing but producing highly flammable American flags. Maybe some of that energy ought to be channeled into, I dunno, making farm equipment or curing AIDS. Just sayin', it's an idea. But hey, what do I know. Flame on!"

An attack, a riot, now that is something different. Remember, our embassies are a little piece of America inside the host nation. The French Embassy in America isn't American soil: it is French. Unless we evict them, that land does not belong to us. Likewise, an attack on an American embassy abroad is exactly the same as an attack here at home. So, if a company of soldiers marched into the French embassy and killed a bunch of people, that would be an invasion and a declaration of war.

At least, that's how it used to be. Unfortunately, that's not how things have been lately. For the last few decades, embassies have been fair game for any nutjob with a rifle. So how do we stop that?

The key to enforcing your will anywhere is to be swift, decisive, and consistent. We have to enforce consequences on two groups of people: The host nation, and the perps who actually do the attack.

First, the host nation. That one is actually pretty easy. We give millions, sometimes billions of dollars in aid to these nations every year cause we are swell guys. So, we hit them where it counts: Their wallets. Any damage done to an embassy gets repaired on the host nation's dime through aid money. Also, any time a demonstration outside the embassy gets out of hand and our people are hurt, or our property damaged, we charge you a fee. Say $10 million. Every time. Do that, and watch how quickly "We strongly condemn these actions" turns into riot police and a complete civil liberties crack down.

Second, the perps. Of course, you'll never stop every crazy, no matter how great you are. Even in nations that we are generally friendly with, we could still be attacked. If an actual nation attacked the embassy, the answer is easy: War. Unfortunately, nowadays that never happens. It's always a random group of "extremists" who fade back into the crowd. What is a superpower to do?

First, we are patient. We recognize this as a problem and devote resources to monitoring its development. We wait until we have for sure credible evidence that an attack is going to happen. We find out who it is, and we track them down. Then, we put the word out on the street that "Hey, btdubs, if anybody attacks our embassy there will be consequences. Just so you know." Then we do something really crazy: Nothing. We let them come.

Stay with me.

We have to be super, ultra sure for this plan to work, which may mean we miss a few attacks in the meantime. No big deal, we haven't been doing anything about the ones that are happening anyhow, so that's pretty much status quo. But eventually we'll know ahead of time what's gonna happen. We beef up security to repulse the attack, then we let them do it. We run them off.

Then the plan happens. Our enemy only understands one language, and that language is overwhelming violence. I propose we speak his language.

We hunt them down. Publicly. Ruthlessly. When we find them, we execute them in as barbaric a fashion as we can conceive. I'm talking kill them in such a mind-bendingly violent way that the mob will be calling us for pointers. Maybe we do it on public TV. Maybe we make a reality TV show about it, like Hunger Games: America. What is important is that we do it, and everyone knows we do it, and that we then do it every other time from here on out. We make a public example, then we put their heads on spikes and hang a sign that says "Who else wants some?"

It'll take some time to prove we're serious, but eventually, the absolute certainty of being executed in a horrifying fashion will dissuade further attacks.

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