GM is too big to fail. Newsflash: Failed anyway.

Remember all the shouts we heard way back when, how the US Auto makers were too big to fail? "They can't go bankrupt!" they screamed. "We must give them money to save jobs!" they pleaded. All would be well if Uncle Sam (a.k.a. You and me) just gave them a little bit of cash to see them through. Well, I for one am sure glad we listened. Boy, it would've been terrible if they had gone bankrupt and restructered into a leaner GM! I can admit when I was wrong, and here goes: You were right, Big Government. You were right, Super-CEO Obama. GM cannot be allowed to go bankrupt.

Whew. This just in: Government pushes GM into bankrupcy.

Wait, what?

General Government Motors will now have owners in the following percentages:

1. US Government: 60%
2. UAW (United Auto-Workers Union): 17.5%
3. Canadian Government: 12%
4. Bondholders: 10%

Ouch. Kinda sucks to be a private investor, huh? That's right, GM will now be 10% owned by private enterprise. Now that's just plain good old fashioned fascism socialism Capitalism!

HotAir did a good analysis of how much private investors were getting shafted. Read it here. In short: US government gets ownership for $834 million per percent of ownership. UAW: $629 million per percent of ownership. Private investors: $2.7 billion (with a B) per percent of ownership.

Ouch.

The Magic O Update

Thanks to recent action in our pet nation, The Commonwealth of the Magic O, we now have the following:

Category: Democratic Socialists
Civil Rights:Excellent
Economy:Developing
Political Freedoms:Very Good

The Commonwealth of The Magic O is a tiny, socially progressive nation, notable for its burgeoning quacking tree frog population. Its compassionate, intelligent population of 12 million are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

The government -- a sprawling, bureaucracy-choked, socially-minded morass -- is mainly concerned with Religion & Spirituality, although Education and Social Welfare are secondary priorities. The average income tax rate is 39%, but much higher for the wealthy. A small but healthy private sector is led by the Soda Sales industry, followed by Basket Weaving and Tourism.

The government is seen to favor Catholics, voting is compulsory, and tourists from around the world come to visit the country's famous rainforests. Crime is relatively low.

Three more issues now confront our intrepid leader:

1. A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

A) "Do you know how much of my year's work goes to the government?" demanded angry worker Bianca Longfellow. "Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs."

B) "It's not the AMOUNT of tax, it's where the burden falls," says student activist George W. Wu. "And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don't think I need to say anything more than that."

C) "I don't object to the amount of tax, I object to where it's being spent," says social reformer Anne-Marie Shiomi. "I'd like to see everyone have a choice as to where their dolla bills go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you'd see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business."

My choice: B, because we have to spread the wealth.

2. In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for The Magic O's Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that quacking tree frogs could be added to the menu.

A) "The fact is, the quacking tree frog population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Bill Christmas. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have quacking tree frog kebabs, quacking tree frog pies, quacking tree frog-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."

B)"I agree that something needs to be done about quacking tree frog over-population," says random passer-by Buy Thiesen, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."

C)"I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Samuel du Pont. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The quacking tree frogs were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The quacking tree frog is part of what makes The Magic O a great nation!"

My choice: C. Gotta save the planet from that evil industry.

3. Last night the respected tabloid TV show "60 Minutes" ran a report on The Magic O's rising divorce rate. What is happening to the nuclear family?

A) "There's a simple solution," says Pastor Felix, of the Catholic Church. "Divorce should be illegal. 'For better or worse,' anyone remember how that goes? We should return to the good old days, when you got married for life and stuck by your partner no matter how much of a drunken, abusive, adulterating disappointment they turned out to be."

B) John Black, author of the hit book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Some Whole Other Place,' has a simpler solution. "If couples would just call each other 'darling' once in a while, there would be far fewer relationship breakdowns. A little affection is all it takes. So the government should make it mandatory: call your spouse 'darling' at least once a day, or face a fine."

C) "There's a simple way to boost the marriage rate," says gay rights activist Colin Shiomi. "Abolish those arcane laws that discriminate against same-sex marriages. It's obscene to treat people differently because of their sexual preference. Besides, everyone knows gay relationships are more stable than straight ones."

My choice: B. Obama has come out against gay marriage, and what better way to strengthen marriage but a little bit of government intervention?

And...I'm back (with a Haversack)!

Greetings, fellow consumers of stolen wisdom. There is a good chance that, at this moment, most of you reading this blog are more informed than I am. I recently had a week long shortage of care. I impersonated your average American sheep and stuck my head deeply in the fine aggregate known as sand.

But no longer! So, to catch up quickly on what has gone on during my short hiatus, here's a Haversack full o' news.

• North Korea successfully detonates a nuclear bomb. Unlike the last test in 2006, this one yielded results. The bomb gave off a force on par with the Hiroshima bomb of 1945. Beloved Leader Kim has also said that they are no longer bound by the Armistice that ended the Korean War, and threatens war if the US or S. Korea act on their threat to search N. Korean ships. Personally, I am amazed. You mean strongly worded UN resolutions didn't stop Kim from gaining nuclear weapons? Inconceivable!
• Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor to be the next Justice of the Supreme Court. Of course, she is a middle of the road, impartial judge, who will not allow anything to influence her interpretation of the Constitution. Don't believe me? Check the quotes: "I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life." No sir, no racism here! How about justice activism? "[the] Court of Appeals is where policy is made". Glad to see she knows her role.
• Biden decides secret VP bunker not so secret after all. Good ol' Joe, during the Gridiron club dinner (That the Pres. decided to snub, only the second time in history), let slip that there is a secret bunker under the Naval observatory, which is now the domicile of the Vice President. He then went on to describe in detail the tour of the place. I didn't see this in the article, but I'm pretty sure he went on to say that he often jogs by the lake in the early morning, alone. Silly Joe!
• The White House makes children cry. A group of children arrived from Conway Elementary School, eager to tour the White House. Starry eyed, they got up extra early. When over 100 kindergartners arrived at the doors, they were told that they could not come in. Why? Because they were 10 minutes late, and the White House had to get ready for a luncheon with the Steelers. Serves those rotten kids right. That'll teach them to be late!
• Finally! Zombie fire ants. Not quite Dawn of the Dead, but still! Researchers have found a parasitic fly that "dive-bomb" the fire ants and lay eggs. "The maggot that hatches inside the ant eats away at the brain, and the ant starts exhibiting what some might say is zombie-like behavior." Basically, they wander around aimlessly until their heads fall off. These flies are now being imported to farmers in Texas and other places to control the fire ant population.
• Newsflash: RNC to label the Democrat party as the "Socialist" Party!
• Newsflash: NOBODY CARES! Hey, RNC, why don't you try poopy head next? That's the ticket! Here I have to agree with RNC Chairman Michale Steele, as much as it pains me to do so. Do I think that the title is accurate? Absolutely! They are cruising us towards European style socialism at Mach speeds. The fact remains that labeling them Socialist in this dramatic manner is not going to achieve anything, and will actually make you appear to be exactly what you are: Spineless cowards with no real substance who are pandering to the masses in a vain attempt to recapture a fire you long since lost when you sold your soul to the Left.

UPDATE: Kris, a friend of mine, pointed out that what O is really cruising towards is not European style socialism, but actually fascism. He is correct, though functionally the two are very similar. Even though socialism abolishes private property, and fascism retains it, the fascists don't allow you control of said property, so it is not really yours in the end. Here's an excellent article that goes through the similarities between socialism and fascism.

The Mediocre Experiment: Decisions

As I outlined yesterday, The Mediocre Experiment is just getting underway. Right now our fledgeling nation has three decisions before it.

Issue #1: It's time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:

A) Catholic Archbishop Randy Shiomi: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased church attendances in his constituencies through the "Reaching God Through Guilt" program. Seen as a solid choice.

B) New Age thinker Bianca Hendrikson: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. "For me, it's not about the name of your religion. It's about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people."

C) Finally, there's Calvin Jones. "If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign," the ex-schoolteacher has declared. "Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I'll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it."

I'm going with A. Obama played on his religion a bit during the campaign. Not a whole lot, but enough.

Next up: Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in The Magic O's south-west.

A) "This is a terrific find!" claims Nukes4U CEO Buy Li. "It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It's win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that's on top of the deposit."

B) "You've got to be kidding," says Green politician Colin Hanover. "This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs--well, that really sticks in my craw."

C) "There's no need for an either-or decision," says the government's Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. "We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to The Magic O."

This one is a no-brainer. It's B all the way. Obama, like many other politicians, is completely on the green train. Choo choo!

Finally: In response to a slow news week, certain highbrow newspapers have stirred up the debate over voluntary vs compulsory voting.

A) "Compulsory voting makes about as much as sense as having the death penalty for attempted suicide," says civil rights activist Peggy Li. "You can't force people to be free! You can only give them the choice. Besides, if all those derelicts who can't be bothered to get off their butts once every few years voted, who would they elect? I shudder to think."

B) "It's not contradictory at all," argues political commentator Larry Summers. "The fact is, if not everyone votes, the outcome isn't truly representative. Some groups--like elderly gun nuts--vote more often than others. That's why we always end up with such terrible politicians."

C) "This raises an interesting issue," says George W. McGuffin, your brother. "And that is: why do we need elections, anyway? Seems to me it would be much simpler if you just decided what was right, and did it. Wouldn't that save everyone a lot of time?"

B wins out again. You can't be relied upon to vote. So, the government will make sure you do. Sounds reasonable to me. How else can we be really representative?

Let me know what you think of my choices in the comments. I'll hold off on committing to the legislation for a bit. Remember, this isn't what you or I would choose. We aren't enlightened. This is what our fearless leader Comrade Obama would choose.

The Mediocre Experiment

So I've been pondering what to do with my usual Friday segment, now that our fearless leader has reached rock bottom. I've been taking an impromptu hiatus from the being informed scene, burying my head in the sand like the rest of the population for a couple of days. In that time I've come up with an idea all on my own. How would you like it if we could run an amazingly accurate simulation of what our country would look like if our President could do whatever he wanted? Anything he wanted, done! What if we could use this simulation to accurately predict the future of our country, and how we would get there? This kind of simulation would have all the trimmings: War, graphics, violence, zombies...Maybe some politics...Anyhow, it would be cool. I'd call something like that "The Great Experiment".

Unfortunately, after my extensive 30 seconds of research I realized that something like that would cost money. So, I scrapped that, settled for "The Mediocre Experiment" and created a NationState. NationStates is a little web site where you can create a nation, give it a name, and make decisions. You get up to two issues to decide a day, and based on your decisions, your country evolves. You are given a title for your government (From Capitalist Paradise to Corrupt Dictatorship to New York Times Democracy) and rated on Civil Rights, Economy, and Political Freedoms. You can check out our new nation, the Commonwealth of The Magic O.

At times through the week I'll post what the decision our little microcosm has before it, and what I think Obama would do given the choice. You can suggest differently if you like, and at the end of the week we'll see what's going on in our island of paradise.

When you create your nation you are given a small questionnaire to get you started. I tried to answer as neutrally as I could (simply "undecided" was not an option.) In the interests of fairness, here's the questions I was given and the answers I gave (answers were A) Strongly Agree, B) Agree, C) Disagree, or D) Strongly Disagree):

1: A country should be judged by how it treats its worst-off citizens. B
2: Corporations do more good for society than harm. C
3: Marijuana should be legal. C
4: The world needs to rediscover its spirituality. B
5: A lot of what's wrong with youth today could be fixed by a year's military service. C
6: Capitalism is on the way out. B
7: Without democracy, a country has nothing. B
8: It's more important to deter criminals than try to rehabilitate them. C

Admittedly even having to answer a questionnaire like that taints the experiment, but remember, this one isn't Great, just Mediocre. As it stands, our country is classified as "Democratic Socialists". "The Commonwealth of The Magic O is a fledgling, environmentally stunning nation, notable for its burgeoning quacking tree frog population. Its compassionate, intelligent population of 5 million are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

The enormous, socially-minded government juggles the competing demands of Education, Social Welfare, and Healthcare. The average income tax rate is 35%, but much higher for the wealthy. A small but healthy private sector is led by the Soda Sales industry, followed by Basket Weaving and Cheese Exports.

Crime is moderate, and the police force struggles against a lack of funding and a high mortality rate. The Magic O's national animal is the quacking tree frog, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the dolla bill."

So, there you have it! Long Live the Commonwealth!

Obama Approval Rating: ?

Day 115 of 1461, or 7.8% through his term, Obama's approval rating hovers at 5%. Will this be the week?

#1: O Admin ponders how to force banks to cut pay. I went over this in detail in this blog, but here's the reader's digest version: They want to control how banks can pay their employees, including non-executives. This includes banks who did not take one thin dime of TARP funds. To top it off, they haven't even found a legal way to do it yet and already there are rumblings about expanding this to the mortgage industry, and further. Disgraceful. For take the next step towards a nationalized economy, he drops 6%.

#2: Silly Chrysler. You don't really need those commercials. The folks at the Chrysler arm of Government Motors (Commonly known as GM) attempted someone radical the other day. They actually tried to determine their own budget on marketing! Poppycock, I say! Fortunately, the Obama Auto Task Force came to the rescue.

"Chrysler wanted to spend $134 million in advertising over the nine weeks it's expected to be in bankruptcy -- the U.S. Treasury's auto-industry task force gave it half that.

So if GM, which is wrestling with the possibility of a Chapter 11 filing itself, is wondering how much influence the task force will have over marketing, the answer is: plenty."

That was close. We almost had a private business making decisions for itself. What a disaster that would've been!

Here's the bottom line. How a private business spends its own money is its own business, and the business of no one else, especially the government, so long as it is not breaking any laws. Last I checked, advertising was in fact legal. If Chrysler wanted to spent $1 million on trained chimpanzees in armor with swords, that would be their own business (and it would be really cool). This is why getting public funds involved in private business is a bad idea. When you do that, you give the government authority to do things it should not be doing. Answer: Let Chrysler fail! For demonstrating his complete lack of regard for personal freedoms, Obama loses 4%.

#3: Businesses are exporting jobs? Let's raise taxes! Here's the link to the blog I wrote on this earlier in the week. Here goes the quick & dirty. Fact: America has the third highest tax rate in the industrialized world for businesses (as of 2003), behind Japan and Germany. Fact: Higher taxes give an incentive for a company to leave town. Fact: I love cheese. Put all these together, and you get bad news for high tax areas, especially if you try to close loopholes that let the company defray the cost of these high taxes. For scaring businesses better than the bogeyman, Obama loses 4%.

#4: Sike! No torture photos, and tribunals are a great idea after all! In a "complete 180" from an earlier position, Obama has decided to fight releasing the 44 photos depicting "torture" perpetrated on prisoners, saying that to do so would "inflame anti-American opinion and to put our troops in greater danger". Obama was intent on allowing the photos to be released as late as April 23rd, but the Magic O has determined that it might not be a great idea after all.

In related news, remember how keeping detainees forever without due process was completely wrong, and Bush was blasted for it during the campaign? Remember how these prisoners deserved the rights of citizens? Yeah, not so much.

"The Obama administration is weighing plans to detain some terror suspects on U.S. soil -- indefinitely and without trial -- as part of a plan to retool military commission trials that were conducted for prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba."

Let me start by saying I agree with both of these decisions. Prisoners of war are not citizens. If they were American citizens, I would say they deserve due process as such. Since they aren't, they don't. Military tribunals are what they ought to get, because that is how we deal with dangerous enemy combatants. The photos should never have been taken, and now that they are, they ought to be destroyed. If misconduct was done (and I'm not convinced that it was misconduct, but whatever) then it ought to be investigated and dealt with appropriately. Appropriately means quietly, privately, and judiciously. Not splashed on every newspaper with detailed instructions to our enemies about exactly how far we will push them if they are captured.

The only troubling thing is such a complete reversal of opinion with little explanation. I suspect that perhaps the world is not the comfy, cozy place it appeared on the campaign trail. The more Obama learns this the more he realizes that perhaps his predecessor wasn't the great Satan he thought he was, at least not when it came to national security. For flopping, Obama loses 2%. For ending up on the right side, he gains 4%.

Let's add up the totals. It appears that our President is at negative 7% Wait! It's the magical point fairy! She has come to drop off a gift, special for the President. The direct intervention of a magical creature gives the President 7 approval points! (cue the Final Fantasy victory music.)

The approval rating now sits at a nice, round 0%. It's almost like I planned that...

Since we have now hit rock bottom, it would appear that our weekly feature is at a close. If you have any ideas on what you might like to see replace it, or how it could continue, leave them in the comments!

Administration to Take Charge of Bank Payroll

In yet another astoundingly socialist brilliant move, the Obama Administration "has begun serious talks about how it can change compensation practices across the financial-services industry, including at companies that did not receive federal bailout money, according to people familiar with the matter...

...Among ideas being discussed are Fed rules that would curb banks' ability to pay employees in a way that would threaten the "safety and soundness" of the bank -- such as paying loan officers for the volume of business they do, not the quality. The administration is also discussing issuing "best practices" to guide firms in structuring pay."

Holy Marxism Batman! Are they saying that they want to determine how private banks pay their employees? This can't possibly be! This is America! Fortunately, Ben Bernanke clears things up. No need to panic.

"During a recent congressional hearing, Chairman Ben Bernanke said the Fed was working on rules that will 'ask or tell banks to structure their compensation, not just at the very top level but down much further, in a way that is consistent with safety and soundness -- which means that payments, bonuses and so on should be tied to performance and should not induce excessive risk.'"

They just want to tell the bank how to pay everyone from the CEO to it's tellers. No need to panic, nothing to see here folks.

Now I know what you're thinking. This kind of policy could spread beyond the banks, and spill into a full blown government controlled market! Silly hatemongering conservative. They wouldn't do that. They're the government, we can trust them! Only the banks will be affected. Look at what the FDIC Chairman said.

"Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Chairman Sheila Bair said regulators need to examine compensation practices in the mortgage industry, suggesting new limits could stretch beyond banks."

Huh. Well, I'm sure they'll stop at the mortgage industry.

The real question, though, is is this socialism? Let's check with Uncle Sam...

Whew! No socialism here after all. That's a relief.

(Thanks to Ace of Spades for the story)