Heward’s Handy Haversack: World’s Best Beer, spies, and geese

Once again it’s time for a few random news pieces that are absolutely essential to your survival but that I did not feel rated their own article space for reasons of artistic judgement and…because I was lazy. Just remember: Laziness promotes efficiency.

Item #1: The Best Beer EVER.

What do you get when you combine Scotsmen, roadkill, and alcohol? One of two things: Very disturbing police reports, or this:

That’s right. That is, in fact, a squirrel beer cozy. 55% ABV, this tasty treat can be yours for the low, low price of $765. Frankly, I think it would be worth every penny simply to buy this beer and drink it on the doorstep of PETA. Exit question: If it takes a squirrel to cover a beer, what’s the next step? Deer kegs?

Item #2: Good spies don’t die. They don’t even fade away. They just keep posting on Facebook.

A couple weeks ago America got totally bamboozled by Russia when they fooled us into trading away Anna Chapman, possibly the hottest spy the Russians every successfully fielded against the US. Despite being detained in Moscow reportedly being debriefed, Anna has found time in her busy schedule to constantly update her facebook page. The Russian tabloids have dubbed her agent 90-60-90, and American newspapers refer to her simply as the hot one.

So what’s the story here? There really isn’t one. I just wanted an excuse to post more pictures.



Item #3: Times are tough, even for the Imperial #2 man.

Darth Vader was sighted robbing a bank on Thursday in Long Island. He entered the Chase Bank at approximately 11:30 AM. Made known nationwide with the documentary series dubbed “Star Wars”, Vader has apparently fallen on hard times. Forced to pawn his lightsaber in order to feed his growing alcohol habit and too inebriated to use the force, despite the complete lack of faith on the part of those around him, Vader was compelled to use a barbaric and primitive handgun to pull off the heist.



Item #4: The Final Goose Solution

The City of New York has proclaimed genocidal jihad against that rat of the sky, the Canadian Goose. Currently numbering somewhere around 250,000, a multi agency report was released outlining the “Final Solution” to bring the population down to approximately 85,000. 400 geese were rounded up and gassed last month, leaving only a modest 249,600 to go! From the plan:

“The captured geese are placed alive in commercial turkey crates. The geese would be brought to a secure location and euthanized with methods approved by the American Veterinary Medical Association. Euthanized geese would be buried.”

The plan itself is tastefully bound in a light green hardwood binder, and the benign nature of the contents can be clearly determined by the title: “How to serve geese”. See picture below for an example of the planned burial arrangements. RIP, Mr. Goose.